It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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