by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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