I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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