I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
