She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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