Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
