smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
