why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
