I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize