I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
