I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize