if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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