Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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