porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
