does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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