please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
