Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
