I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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