I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
