I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
