Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
