I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
