I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Randomize
