she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
