does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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