the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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