duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
