What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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