My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
