someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
