I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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