oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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