My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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