Even water is tasting like jack daniels
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
