90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
