I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
