He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
