You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
