i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize