My room smells like vodka and shame
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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