Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
