I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
