He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
