I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
