Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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