I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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