the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
