I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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