mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize