Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
