i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
