i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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