i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
FUCK WHALES
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
