I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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