can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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