I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
