Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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