I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You were trust falling into bushes
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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