Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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