About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
