i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize