all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
