I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
