i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
