The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
