Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
